How to Become Cultured Fast!
Dec 5,2016   Article on  2Nite

Dear 2Niters:


So your friends make fun of you. They say you’re not cultured, you’re not artistic, that you have no sense of style and couldn’t tell the difference between Leonardo Da Vinci and Leonardo Di Caprio.Normally you wouldn’t care about this, you’re happy to live your life eating delivery pizza and watching any trashy DVD coming out on the market. But what troubles you, pisses you off, and even keeps you up late at night is that other people act ‘cultured’ and earn appreciation in the personal and professional lives.

It’s time for you to do something about it!Especially for you, 2Nite has created 5 tested and proven options to show others you can be cultured and artistic.

Painter :

The Fundamentals:

Remember, the more abstract the painting, the more open to interpretation. Basically, what this means is that is nobody can tell what it is, you can pretend it’s very advanced art they are not smart enough to understand your genius.

 

How to do:

Buy a canvas, and the weirdest oil paint colours you can find. Do not buy blue, red, yellow, green.

Pick any kitchen utensil you can find in your kitchen and dip it into the colour paints.

Scrape the canvas with the paints in random moves for no more than 2 minutes.

Find a fancy name for the painting such as ‘Infinity Explained’ or ‘Autumn Memory’.

Buy a scarf and wrap it around your neck.

You’re ready!

Chef :


The Fundamentals:

To impress as an artist-chef you must remember 2 rules:

  1. ‘Less is more’: use a very small quantity. This way you can pretend to be a master of ‘gourmet’ dining.

  2. Because you are probably useless in cooking any particular cuisine, you can name it ‘Fusion’ cooking and get away with it. ‘Modern Thai with Elements of Argentinian Home Style Cuisine’

     

How to do:

Pick any fruit, say for example an apple.Slice it an unusual way. Put one piece on a plate. Add one tiny piece ofchicken on the side. To finish it off, add 5 raisins and half a cup of rice.

ATTENTION!!! At least 75% of the plate must be empty and you must place the ingredients EXACTLY in the centre.

You’re ready! You’ve created Modern Thai Fusion Gourmet Cuisine.

Poet :

The Fundamentals:

The Similar to painting, you need to go the ‘abstract’ route. Your poem must mix a couple of verbs and meanings.

 

How to do:

Pick 4 verbs, such as play, think, anticipate, and collaborate, and select either the moon, the sun, or the stars+ and something like ‘is silent’:

 

For instance:

“To Play is to Think

To Anticipate is to Collaborate

The Moon is Silent”

 

You’re done! As with the painting, you’ll need a scarf, and thick frames glasses will earn you extra points.

 

Photographer :

The Fundamentals:

Avoid photos of people were your lack of skill will be evident. You’ll need deserted desolate places to take photos of.

 

How to do:

Take 100 photos of a deserted factory or run-down building. Select the best 5 and filter them into black and white. This will show you have ‘vintage’ style but more importantly, will hide you complete lack of colour appreciation.

Important: You must state that you do not like showing your photos and you’re interested in holding an exhibition. This will give you much credibility.

And the best for last:

 

Film Critic  :



The Fundamentals:

Remember!!! Any film coming out of Hollywood such as Transformers, Fast & Furious, Hunger Games, etc, not only have you “not seen it” but you also “have never heard of those films”. It’s very important to show that you do not watch the films everybody else watches.

How to do:

Pick 2-3 Finish and German language cult films from 50s and 60s and memorize the plots. It’s very rare you’ll find anyone who knows anything about them (that’s your objective). If you do come across someone who does know these films, tell them ‘that’s fantastic! It’s very rare to find anyone who knows this film. Let’s organize a film night one evening and invite friends to come and watch and introduce them to true cinema.

 

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